Pirate Movie
by Rorre
Summary: In the final seconds of the infamous epic movie that was Epic Movie, the main antagonist was run over by someone who asked for so little, but received a small role. Well now, Captain Jack Swallows returns in his own feature-length spin off of Epic Movie!


**The Trailer Formerly Known as Summary X...**  
The story continues the epic adventures of the once imprisoned Captain Jack Swallows, who was last seen fleeing the scene on a runaway wheel that crushed the White Bitch. This was a result of Swallows escaping the White Bitch's shoe closet (aka Davy Jone's locker) after being shot by her and later searching for a way to defeat her in revenge.

Swallows discovered a weapon that could defeat the White Bitch's armies held by a sailor named Davy Crockett. However, the Crockett's weapon is considered a US Military Secret, and as the War For Narnia begins, Swallows gets in a fight with a bunch of gremlins for stealing their rigged Monster Truck wheel but manages to knock them off just before he rolls over the White Bitch, then Borat and Willy Wonka.

This heroic action, however, sends him plummeting over a seemingly endless waterfall, where our, or rather HIS movie begins...

_**Introduction**_  
At Movie's Beginning

"AAAAAAWWWWAAAOOOOH!!"

"WWWWWOOOOAAHHH!!"

"GARRRAAAAA!!"

Captain Jack Swallow was screaming at the top his lungs, his fate was completely at the hands of the rapids that popped his eardrums non-stop, bubbles began to fly from his head and he stared perplexedly as two larger bubbles began to form behind his head, then popped, spraying suds across his eyes. He rubbed at them furiously, but a sign with KANSAS scribbled on it hit him the face. The prop shattered into splintery fragments, some stabbing his face as he continued to descend, the rest flying into the background and pushed down by the waterfall.

"**Hello my dear friends!**" Jack, recovering from the blow instantly, greeted the audience in a suddenly cheery and enthusiastic voice, his voice was projected by the water, "**Well here I am in my own movie at last! And it feels so WONDERFUL to be here with you...on my FIRST spin-off!**"

Strange music began to beat into the scene, overpowering the rapid falls as Jack straightened himself and stood on physics, extending his arms as a ukulele came flying in his direction. It struck him in the face, but he fumbled it and grasped it. A silly, drunken smile curved along his lips, and he began to sing:

_"I'm so happy, ha-ha! Happy and lucky me. I just got got my way, living every day-"_

Jack stuttered, but sang regardless, as a diamond heel plowed into his face and bounced away.

_"I don't worry, worrying don't agree-"_

An accordion was thrown at him, but he ducked. However, a pair of bagpipes crushed his chest, sliding off of him as though it were possessed by some mystic force.

_"Things that bother you, never bother me-"_

A 2x4 with a nail embedded in it's bottom staked his shin, breaking off and splashing against the waterfall. The tune picked up and was now upbeat and merry, Jack tried to do a dance to it, but was forced to duck as a baby orangutan came screeching in his direction, crashing into the waterfall.

_"Things that bother you never bother me-"_

A toy robot twice the size of a kumquat collided with his temple, dragged off-screen by the moving waterfall.

_"I feel happy and fine, ha-OOF!"_

Jack finally stopped, though briefly, as a Dell Dimension 4600 Computer him in the ribs, dropping his ukulele and setting the music to auto-play. He struggled to lift the random computer, tossing it into the waterfall and watching it plummet. Several shadows painted his unwary backside...

_"Living in the sunlight-"_

...a well-dressed sword pierced his shoulder, forcing the bewildered captain to kneel in pain.

_"-loving in the moonlight-"_

...following that, a clearly oversized chest landed directly on his back, crushing the pirate captain before he turned and let it slide off of his side, wheezing.

_"Having a wonderful time!"_

...a blood-soaked, beating heart landed on his chest as the camera zoomed in to view his shocked expression. Swallow appeared to faint, snatching the heart and pushing it off into the rapids.

_"Haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot. Coffee's only a dime!"_

A cowboy in western attire, complete with ten gallon hat, rode by on his horse, all four hooves aggressively stomping on the captain's abdomen and his jewels. Satisfied, the cowboy and his horse trotted proudly off-screen. Swallows grunted, clutching his stomach as he tried to stand on physics.

_"Living in the sunlight, loving in __the moonlight-"_

Swallows glanced up, pupils enlarging, as a large, thick oval soon encompassed his vision...

_"-Having a wonderful time!"_

A ship occupied by a handsome number of bald, tattooed pirates flattened the injured Captain, finally shoving him below the screen and away from the repeating waterfall as well as the multiple slapstick flying objects. The mast engulfed the camera, until the entire ship finally dropped out of view. From the ship's bow, Captain Swallows was spread across it, a figurehead for the potentially naked ship, mouth widening as the wind dissected his cheeks.

Aboard the _Duchess_, Orlando Bloom and Elizabeth Mongoose gazed around in search of the stange scream, but shrugged and proceeded with their own screams as the ship tilted, spun, and danced in the air, plummeting further and further and further and further and further and further and further...

...Until the waterfall reel itself had broken from overuse.

As the camera recentered on Jack Swallows, we zoom in to his false teeth that, when glistening, spell out:

**PIRATE MOVIE**

And then we view his bandana, where the names of several uncredited directors and producers is kept. And as the scene closes, we also see these words flash the screen:

**A PARODY WRITTEN BY RORRE**


End file.
